Friday, January 27, 2012

[Insert Obvious Tom Petty Reference Here]

Lines suck.

I know they suck, you know they suck, we all know they suck. They're right up there with airline food and fluorescent lights. But they're something we have to deal with in this crazy mixed-up world, right? Standing behind a total stranger for an eternity only to watch them do what you wanted to do first is just a cost you pay to live in modern society.

Unless you're in a coffee shop.

Then a line is this inexplicable, infuriating thing devised by god and man to ruin your morning. What...what is this? You just want to order your drink, and then leave. Don't these creatures understand? There's no time for this! Your bus leaves in five minutes. You're illegally parked! The terrorists have your family!

And you need your coffee



But the people ahead of you in this seething mass of impatience don't understand, and they all take too long to order their half-decaf-double-tall-in-a-grande-extra-foamy-three-splenda-seven-pumps-chai-lattes, and why can't they just--

Oh! One of the baristas--y'know, those coffee robots who look like people--is talking to you. She's asking for your drink order! A moment later you pay and stroll over to pick up your beverage. They day is saved! 

...but your beverage isn't there. Where is it?! You need it! And then you see it: past the barista you'd describe as slaving away if baristas had feelings. Past a row of cups arranged in a formation you find disturbingly familiar. Your cup sits at the end of...


It's about that time when people get angry. I once saw a man--presumably not a supervillain--point and scream "YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH!" and storm out of the cafe. Because we wouldn't take his order at the delivery counter or put his drink ahead of the twenty other drinks already on the bar. I've seen moms order ten different frappucinos blended drinks for kids and then freak out as we blend them one at a time because we only have one blender.

And people think they can get around all this somehow. People try to form secondary lines. Tertiary lines. People come in clumps of three or four and hope they can overload the order system. People stand at the hand-off station and stare at you, stare into you, like they're trying to get their drink faster using the freaking Force.

All these tricks? They're like asking a retail associate to check the back. We don't distort time and space, we make coffee, and until you replace us with robots or four-armed's going to take a minute.

Today's entry was heavily inspired by this Cracked article. I'd be remiss if I didn't give credit where credit was due.
...why do I get the feeling I'm being invited to a wedding?
Ah. Because this is a wedding invitation. Apparently the Uyghurs aren't all that into postcards.

But they are into utilitarianism! No disposable diapers? Laundry's a pain? Just aim that crotch in the proper direction! I wonder how many ruined shirts it takes to get the timing right.

Drop some food, pick it right back up, eh? Tell me, Jess, what's the Uyghur word for "five second rule"?

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